Dating someone with PTSD in The Spouses Club Forum

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Dating someone with PTSD

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makingit1961

Dating someone with PTSD

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Posts: 11

Aug 21 05 1:15 AM

Hello,
I have started seeing someone with PTSD. I really care about this guy a great deal. I don't know a whole lot about PTSD and would like some advice on what to expect and not to expcet. The past couple of days he has been going through a rough spell. I don't push him. I let him talk about whatever he wants. I let him know that I am there for him. I would appreciate any advice that anyone can give me. I am seriously thinking about making a commitment with this man.

Thank You

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feich101

Re: Dating someone with PTSD

#1

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Posts: 1984

Aug 21 05 9:01 PM

Makingit

Peeking under the stalls.

Have you visited the PTSD forum? You might want to read some of the post. Probably won't get any help from dear Abby, but might help you understand just a little more.

Some one will be by later with some better information and personal experiences.

Good luck to you.

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airbornewife

PTSD

#2

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Posts: 243

Aug 21 05 9:37 PM

I wrote something under your other post in the PTSD section.

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Islandgirl808

Re: PTSD

#3

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Posts: 1506

Aug 30 05 8:43 AM

Makingit,

I commend you on trying to find out the facts before you start something serious. Your actions are telling in that they show you have some reservations. I would say that it depends on his symptoms. As you have read, there are folks with differents symptoms. For instance both my husband and I have PTSD however, we are like opposite ends of the personality spectrum. He has been violent and abusive. I was young and just out of the Military when I met him. If I wasn't sick myself I probably would not have chosen him as a mate. You have the benefit of age and experience however, having come from an abusive relationship I would say that your judgement right now is not clear. Do you know your own self worth? Do you know how people should treat one another? Are you prepared to have definite boundaries as you get to know this person? If you should see any ominous signs please stop and think about all the time you wasted with your first guy and get out immediately. Part of me says that you should change your phone number and email address. But being the gullible, sick, doormat that I am...well you can figure out the answer.

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sa lili

Re: PTSD

#4

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Posts: 255

Sep 3 05 12:50 AM

Any relationship with a person who has serious and permanent PTSD can be so hard that I suggest you do a lot of research, then think long and hard before getting any farther into it. For those who love someone with PTSD, it can be draining, depressing and discouraging. My DH is an alcoholic (in recovery a few years), cannot sleep normally, has had a number of previous relationships with wives and girlfriends disintegrate (but we've been together about 20 years), has been in trouble with the law a number of times in the past and seems to find it hard to handle financial matters with good judgement. He's being treated, so it's easier now, but he will never be cured. Of course, his case is fairly serious and not all who have PTSD have all those problems. Thank goodness for that. At least PTSD is recognized now and some attempt is made to get these veterans help. During the time of the Viet Nam War and afterward, noone knew what to do for them. Treatment is available and I hope your friend is in therapy. I feel for you. Knowing what to do is so hard. There is only so much a spouse or girlfriend can do. He has to want to deal with his problems and get the help he needs.

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Islandgirl808

Re: PTSD

#5

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Posts: 1506

Sep 3 05 8:40 AM

My heart really goes out to you Girls/Guys who are with someone who has PTSD plus the substance abuse problems. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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jackman11

Re: PTSD

#6

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Posts: 3

Dec 16 06 7:49 PM

As someone who spent 7 years with a man with PTSD, I can tell you it is a very difficult relationship. You need to be VERY strong and you must be willing to accept it will always be more limited than any other relationship you have probably been in. How long have you been with this person? I would say that you need to give it a lot of time before you really commit to it. You need to see how the person acts over a period of time that is substantial. My relationship recently ended again ... this was a pattern. He would push me away whenever we got extremely close. I think this time it has ended for good. I am left dealing with many scars. I gave more to this relationship than any before it, and I am a person who always gives a lot to any relationship. Sometimes no matter what you do, it just won't make it work. Be prepared for a lot of pain mixed in with whatever joy there is. Good luck

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CAMY1971

Re: PTSD

#7

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Posts: 581

Feb 25 07 11:12 PM

Be ready for a lot of hard work and heart ache ,it is never going to be easy. You have have to decide if you can deal with it just like he has to learn to dael with it.

I admire you wanting to give it a chance ,many women find out they cant adjust to it and if you become involved and find out you cant and leave ,,,,it will cause him more problems. Vets with PTSD have problems with relationships,talking,and emotions so know this going in--I wish you both all the luck and happines in the world.

CHRIS

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oldanchors

Re: PTSD

#8

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Posts: 6

May 5 07 9:19 PM

Few relationships will endur PTSD.if ya are lucky,some will try.
The male instinct is to proctect an serve an cherihish.God willin,get us thru our time of serverice with our Brothers in combat an give us a good homecomming an family who will under stand,so we can lead agin this great Nation that is so confused.Chief

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soboo

I didn't know

#9

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Posts: 1

Jan 18 09 11:21 AM

I started dating a guy a few months ago with PTSD and he told me all about his time in Viet Nam and I thought I really understood, but I was so ignorant to his illness, but I just fell in love, because I could see the good part of him so very much and I tried to be patient with what I thought I knew and I did really realize some of his problem.
All I can end up saying is I have been so hurt and have tried so hard. He doesn't take any medicine or see any therapist, maybe if he did we would of had a chance, he just told me he couldn't commit to me and I was the one doing everything wrong, so I couldn't be in his life. I really miss him and he will give me a call after maybe a month and we will go do something so fun and have a great time, but again, no commitment.
but, we had 5 months of solid 24/7 time together, but there were arguments that shouldn't of even been arguments.
I am seeing a therapist and in al-anon and have such a broken heart and he is all I can think of.
It helped me to find this site and to read some of the posts, but all it proved to me is to accept that he is unattainable.
I wonder how long the hurt will last, it's been 9 months.

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kinger18

#10

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Posts: 1

Oct 11 09 7:42 PM

I just started hanging out with this guy and I really like him and have known him since 3rd grade. He came home from Iraq and he tells me he is hollow inside and that he doesn't have any feelings and also doesn't have any emotions. But sometimes I know that he has both of those. He tells me that he doesn't want to go talk to a therapist because he doesn't think that they can help him. I don't know what to do. When we start getting closer he always pushes me away and he keeps telling me that I am wasting my time with him. He tells me that he doesn't want to make friends and that he doesn't trust anyone other than me. Is there anything that I can do to help him? And is there a way to get him to start to open up to me more and for him to realize that I can make my own decisions of who I'm wasting my time on? I'm so confused and lately he just keeps pushing and it's getting hard to stay around him but I know that I have to stay and be here for him.

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whysper.thedeadhorsemen

#11

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Posts: 1

Mar 9 10 3:56 AM

I have been with the same man for over 4 years. i recognized he had a problem and got him to seek help. he did find out he had PTSD from things he experienced in Iraq. he is now drawing 100% VA disability and things are no better. He blows up I try to talk and work through our problems he has no part of it. There is no comunication. anything and everything that goes wrong is either my fault or my 9 yr old sons fault. It's his way or no way. I have faught long and hard to try and help him and to make this relationship work but I'm not sure I'm every going to get anywhere. as of tonight he has packed a bag and says he is leaving in a couple of days. Do I want him to go? no I do not but at the same time I have to think of the wellbeing of myself and my son. It's a very long hard road when in a relationship with someone with PTSD I feel for everyone of you that are dealing with this but always keep in mind you have to love yourself first and formost

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Trixie

#12

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Posts: 1

May 11 10 10:24 PM

I've just been diagnosed with PTSD. I've been dating a man for a year and we have had our problems but we get along well and have managed to work through each obsticle. I suffer from panic attacks, flashbacks, insomnia, and nightmares, and some responses to my trauma do strain the relationship, but my bf is very patient with me. When issues between us arise, we discuss them rationally and as calmly as possible. If I say that I don't wanna talk, he gives me my space. I'm in therapy now which helps us but there are always rough spots, just like in any relationship. I guess it all depends on the person. I was difficult to deal with before my trauma, and I'm probably even worse now, but he deals quite well with me. Dating someone with PTSD is not all bad or all difficult. It may just mean that it will take more work. If the man you met is worth it, you will find a way to have a happy normal relationship no matter what. Good luck

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charlie1126

#13

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Posts: 2

Jun 2 10 4:04 PM

Dating someone with PTSD isn't easy. I did all the research, read all the forums I could find about personal experiences and still it doesn't prepare you for what you will be dealing with. It's been 4 months and we have separated a few times. Lucky for me, he doesn't blame me, insult me, hurt my feelings or anything but he does push me away. His reasons are he can't feel anything, he is empty, he doesn't deserve to be happy, he's a bad person, I deserve better, etc. He's in counseling but it is to soon to know if it will be effective with him. When he pushes me away, I give him space but still keep the lines of communication open since I know I am one of only two people he will open up to (the other on is his counselor) and he knows I care. In the downtime (when we are apart), I work on me. I do things I like to do, visit with friends, have a life. I have realized very little of our breakups are because of me. He is dealing with things that I would not even begin to know how to deal with. Maybe if the counseling works, we might stay together for longer than a month at a time. I did decide that he is the man I want to commit to and I am committed even though sometimes it doesn't feel like it. He can be indecisive, moody, and closed off. Lucky for me, he isn't abusive neither verbally or physically...if that were the case, I would leave. There is to much good in this man to walk away without giving it 110%. You just have to become informed, read the posts, read the personal experiences of the women/men who are dating or married to vets with PTSD. Watch his behavior and decided if this is something you can live with because it will always be a part of who he is.

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silverluver

I was diagnosed in 2008

#14

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Posts: 2

Aug 10 10 12:08 PM

I was also diagnosed back in 2008. I am not a vet, but rather a victim of traumatic child abuse. I have been able to overcome the horrible snares of PSTD by seeking Phycological Trauamatic Therapy, medication, lots of fasting, praying and reading. My situation is a little reverse. The love of my life walked out on me two months ago as I was having an intence episode. He never did his research as I came to find out yesterday as I talked with him and simply asked him if he truly beleived me when I shared that I was diagnosed with PSTD and If he ever made the effort to reasearch and learn how to deal with being in a relationship with someone who has this dissorder. He shared that he never did.
After 12 weeks of intence therapy (twice a week) and at a theraphuetical state, I can say I feel terrific about me and where I stand. I survived what I call "the worst episode of my life!"

When I talked to him on the phone yesterday, he simply answered my questions quietly and listened to me tell him "If we are to have any type of friendship, relationship, or contact, then I need you to research this dissorder and the medication that I am on so you can learn how to cope with someone who has this desease." I simply told him that if he did not, then I could not continue having a relationship with him. It took a lot for me to tell him that, but I needed to. as I am with everyone that is close to me. He told me before he walked out, that "90% of our relationship was great, but he could just not get the other 10%." I told him yesterday..." that other 10% that you talked about was simply that you did not know how to deal or cope with someone that has this dissorder," He just stayed quiet folks.

Believe me those of you that love someone with this dissorder... Educating yourselves is well worth a lifetime of joy and love with people who are not crazy, but have been through traumatic situations and need help through your support, love and dedication as they seek a normal life through somekind of theraphuetic help. RF I am a 39 year old woman with two beautiful children a son in the AirForce (currently on his second deployment to Aphiganistan) and a beautiful daughter who is a LT. Coronel and Corp Commander of ROTC AirForce at her high school. I share this because I have dealt with this pretty much all my life and have been successful in raising two wonderful children.

Edited 1 time by silverluver Aug 10 10 12:20 PM.

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silverluver

#15

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Posts: 2

Aug 10 10 12:09 PM

I was diagnosed in 2008	#14	[url]	[-]
Posts: 1 08/10/10 13:08:50	Don'T give up on your loved one that suffers from PSTD! They are NOT crazy and can live a normal life!

Edited 1 time by silverluver Aug 10 10 12:12 PM.

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vickia1969

#16

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Posts: 1871

Aug 14 10 7:37 AM

Educating yourself on PTSD is key when you have a relationship with someone with PTSD. Be it a family member, a romantic relationship, or even if you are the one diagnosed with PTSD. It will not always be a smooth ride but what relationship is 100% perfect? Sometimes people seem to find it easier to give up rather than try. If someone can't make a effort for me then should I make an effort for them?

Reality is determined not by what scientists or anyone else says or believes but by what the evidence reveals to us.
-- Alan Hale

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kaosgrl

PTSD - The relationship Killer

#17

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Posts: 1

Aug 29 10 11:44 PM

I know a lot of people have responded. I feel the need to add my two cents to the post. ( You know eternal desire to be heard) I am not a war vet but an abuse victim.

So here it is - I have PTSD and am dating some one who knew I had it before we started dating - we had been close friends for 10 years.
It is hard - it is one thing to know about it and another thing to live it. I would say most important - do not date a PTSD suffer who is not actively in treatment or is apposed to treatment. There is really good treatment out there - this is not a battle to be fought alone.

It is possible for partners and counselors (of PTSD suffers) to develop some of the symptoms of PTSD - (Judith Herman Trauma and Recovery) Just from hearing the victims stories and living the victims trauma with them.

It is also possible if you are dating a PTSD victim who has fragmented personalities - that your relationship will only be known to the suffer in fragments. One "personality" may only be around for any of the bad stuff and NOT communicating it to the ANP ( Apparently Normal Personality) Or it could be that one part is only out for the good stuff and not communicating it to the ANP. All in all it can be very very confusing and stressful.

Learn to recognize the "triggered" characteristics and the non triggered characteristics. Also develop really strong communication skills - they will be doubly important to have in this type of relationship. Remember if the trauma occured young - parts of the PTSD suffers personality are still child like. Be prepared to deal with immature behaviors and remember that the person may at that moment NOT be in control. This is not an excuse and the behavior will need to be dealt with at an age apropriate level. If the PTSD suffer knows this - they may already have a way to correct the behavior with in themselves once they are aware of it.

Communication Communication Communication. Make sure you are seeing some one to give you tools to help you cope.

Oh and I guess one final thought - If the PTSD person goes through treatment - expect them to change. Some of the traits you like about them may go away. They are going through a tremendous amount of growth and it is really hard work - respect that but be prepared to get to know them over and over again until they reach a level of stability.

It is also possible for a relationship with a PTSD suffer to move from reality to a relive of past abuse in their mind quickly.

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davism

#18

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Posts: 25

Sep 1 10 4:54 PM

My husband has another appeal PTSD Dr.'s appt. tomorrow.Should I go in with him?..I just recently wrote my a letter and submitted it to the appeal process.

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Ambriah

#19

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Posts: 1

Sep 24 10 12:54 AM

Hello, I recently moved out of my boyfriends house not knowing that he was suffering with PTSD. he was diagnossed with Bi-polar 3 years ago but the symptoms just didnt seem to fit and all his doctor wanted to do was fill him full of drugs that made him a zombie. It wasnt untill after i moved that a friend commented after spending some time with him and I that she felt like he had PTSD.( She didnt know that he had been diagnossed as Bi-polar.) I then began researching PTSD.
And was amazed to find that 95% of i was reading fit him to a T. Broaching the subject was the hardest thing for me to do because i was so unsure of what his reaction might have been. but to my surprise he listened to me and thought about what i had to say and decided he needed a new doctor. some one that actually wanted to try and help not just drug him. He is in the beginning stages of seeking help, and promises me things will be OK. Not with just Him but our relationship. In all honesty I don't know but maybe, there is a lot of water under the bridge.

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Eliz3068

Can you tell if I can help

#20

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Posts: 1

Oct 25 10 5:52 PM

Hello
        I've been dating a men with PTSD and he was very up front with his condition. We were very attracted to each other and when we got to know each other we knew that there was more the a physical thing. We have been see each other for 5 months now and I can say it's been hard.
       At first I didn't do anything to find out about his problem but after he first pushed me away. I need to know what happen for no reason he would walk away. I was so hurt and I didn't want him to explain because if he wanted me to know then he would tell me that's what I thought, not realizing that he can't explain. He would say to me"This is the way I am, please understand" because I care so much for him I couldn't stay away.
     He opened up to me about things that he wouldn't talk to anyother people except his DM or CM. He told me that he's a very private person and he doesn't talk to no one and doesn't need no one in his life, but with me he is caring, loving attentive, he talks about his feelings has asked me not to get mad at him nor hate him but when he shots down this is when I'm very sad and up set.
       He's told me that he's had other women since he's been at Walter Reed's and if the get in he way he blocks them out of his life. Well I've been with him and yes there are times that I do call him out when he's being a "ass" and he tell me he's sorry and changes for me. He told many of his friends all about me and he's really proud that we are together by the way he speak to his friends about me. His friends ask him if I that care for him and he replies "yes she does". One day that I was with him, he told me he hasn't eaten in the chew hall that's what he calls it. I replied sorry I don't want you to think that I want to be in your way. He told me that this way a complement because I took care of him he's been healthier. I smiled.
      My birthday he told me he need space and that he couldn't be physical with me because that would make it worse for me. To give it time and that he wasn't going anywhere. I haven't been with him for 8 days but did hear from him through text and saw him for one hour before he told me that he need space. It's been two half days and I haven't heard nothing about him. It's not that I don't want to give him space, it just I would like to know if he's ok and that I'm here for him. I have been reading and learning so much for peoples experience and heart felling thoughts.

Edited 1 time by Eliz3068 Oct 30 10 1:35 PM.

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Dating someone with PTSD

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