Four weeks ago I was sitting in bed watching television and I had a flashback. That was the first time this has happened to me. The memory of my attack is
flinging around in my head like a boomerang. That's the only way I know how to describe it. It's horrifying and it's terrifying and I can't
shake it.
I was stationed in Vilseck, Germany from December 1981 to February 1984. It was early 82 or 83 that I went to the TMC for my annual GYN exam. I was a young E4 and the doctor was an O3. He came into the room and told me to undress and get into a gown, get on the table and put my feet into the stirups. There was no one else in the room and being a young troop and his being a Captain, I didn't question it. I just did as I was told..
I was already uncomfortable during the exam. Then the doctor proceeded with the internal exam. He said to me, "I'm going to push down on your ovaries. You tell me if this hurts." He pushed down so hard that I screamed out in pain and started to cry. He said to me, "Remember that. It's what a man feels like when you kick him in the balls." I got off the table, got dressed and left the clinic without finishing the exam. I walked back to my duty section and by the time I got there I was in hysterics. The exam was so rough that I was bleeding. My husband at the time pulled me into an office and asked me why I was so upset. At first I was embarrased to tell him but he persisted so I told him everything. His first instinct was to go back to the TMC and kill the doctor. I convinced him that would not be healthy for his career. Instead, I wrote up a statement and we reported him to his chain of command. I don't know what happened to him but one week later he was gone from the TMC and we never saw him again. I suspect I was not the first woman to complain about him.
For 20 some years every time I've gone in to see a doctor and I had to deal with a male doctor, I have been terrified and I never understood why. A male doctor will walk in and I am instantly intimidated. I can barely speak a word to discuss what is bothering me. Normally I can carry on a conversation with a wall. I just can't be in the same room with a male doctor. I'm terrified of them.
I don't know why, after 20 years, I had a flashback of that appointment. I don't know why I can't just tuck it back into wherever it was hiding. I close my eyes and it's right there.
I had an appointment with my VA psychiatrist two days after it happened. I told her about it and she wanted to hospitalize me immediately because I was in such bad shape. I convinced her that putting me in the hospital and surrounding me with a bunch of strangers I don't know would cause more harm than good so she let me go home. She's done a consult to get me into therapy but of course the VA is so backlogged that I'm still waiting for an appointment.
Since this happened, I am more angry, more irritable, cry all the time and I don't want to leave the house. The thought of socializing with my friends sickens me.
The point of this lengthy post is what do I do with this now that it's out in the open? I don't have a diagnosis. The only other person who knows about this is my ex-husband. I contacted him shortly after it happened but he was a heavy drinker back then and doesn't remember the incident. If I put in a claim I know the burden of proof is on me & I have no proof other than the memory that is flying around in my head.
Any suggestions? Thanks in advance.
I was stationed in Vilseck, Germany from December 1981 to February 1984. It was early 82 or 83 that I went to the TMC for my annual GYN exam. I was a young E4 and the doctor was an O3. He came into the room and told me to undress and get into a gown, get on the table and put my feet into the stirups. There was no one else in the room and being a young troop and his being a Captain, I didn't question it. I just did as I was told..
I was already uncomfortable during the exam. Then the doctor proceeded with the internal exam. He said to me, "I'm going to push down on your ovaries. You tell me if this hurts." He pushed down so hard that I screamed out in pain and started to cry. He said to me, "Remember that. It's what a man feels like when you kick him in the balls." I got off the table, got dressed and left the clinic without finishing the exam. I walked back to my duty section and by the time I got there I was in hysterics. The exam was so rough that I was bleeding. My husband at the time pulled me into an office and asked me why I was so upset. At first I was embarrased to tell him but he persisted so I told him everything. His first instinct was to go back to the TMC and kill the doctor. I convinced him that would not be healthy for his career. Instead, I wrote up a statement and we reported him to his chain of command. I don't know what happened to him but one week later he was gone from the TMC and we never saw him again. I suspect I was not the first woman to complain about him.
For 20 some years every time I've gone in to see a doctor and I had to deal with a male doctor, I have been terrified and I never understood why. A male doctor will walk in and I am instantly intimidated. I can barely speak a word to discuss what is bothering me. Normally I can carry on a conversation with a wall. I just can't be in the same room with a male doctor. I'm terrified of them.
I don't know why, after 20 years, I had a flashback of that appointment. I don't know why I can't just tuck it back into wherever it was hiding. I close my eyes and it's right there.
I had an appointment with my VA psychiatrist two days after it happened. I told her about it and she wanted to hospitalize me immediately because I was in such bad shape. I convinced her that putting me in the hospital and surrounding me with a bunch of strangers I don't know would cause more harm than good so she let me go home. She's done a consult to get me into therapy but of course the VA is so backlogged that I'm still waiting for an appointment.
Since this happened, I am more angry, more irritable, cry all the time and I don't want to leave the house. The thought of socializing with my friends sickens me.
The point of this lengthy post is what do I do with this now that it's out in the open? I don't have a diagnosis. The only other person who knows about this is my ex-husband. I contacted him shortly after it happened but he was a heavy drinker back then and doesn't remember the incident. If I put in a claim I know the burden of proof is on me & I have no proof other than the memory that is flying around in my head.
Any suggestions? Thanks in advance.
